Passing

This Mr.M typing  a quick message to say that Ladkyis passed away on Friday.

Back in writing mode

It's quite strange isn't it, that when you are ill you don't really know how ill you are because you are too wrapped up in being ill. I just felt lousy and weak and tired. I couldn't think straight and Mr M was hovering, watching me with a anxious look on his face.
It irritated me because I couldn't understand why he was looking so worried. Now that I am breathing better and I can feel that the blood-clots on my lungs are getting smaller so I have more room for air I understand that I must have been quite ill and he was worrying about me - a lot. He doesn't hover anymore so I know I am definitely not as ill as I was a few weeks ago
I spent those weeks staring at FB or gazing at something on TV. All the writing I had done in the preceding months was forgotten, no it was avoided because I had been writing almost to the point I went into hospital and somehow my mind had decided that it was the writing that had sent me there.
I know, stupid right? but the thought was firmly fixed so I stayed away from the books.
I can't remember if I've mentioned this before but I have written three of them and started number four. Anyhoo, I have gradually begun to think about my story - which still doesn't have a title - and the other day I opened book one and began to edit a bit.
I have now re-read the first three books and today I opened book for and was surprised to see that I have seven chapters. I read them all and found that chapters six and seven are unfinished. Now this was a shock because I distinctly remember writing a huge amount of chapter seven but it wasn't there.
I pondered for a while and then did what I hope all writers do at some point, I gazed into nothing and let my mind go.
"you must have written that in hospital" I thought and immediately I could see myself in the bed with my notebook (the one I write the plot and character sheets in) and I had written something in hospital.
I've just read it through and do you know it's not bad. No, not at all bad for a person that was attached to the wall with oxygen tubes and feeling like she had a rock in her chest.
I'm off to copy it to the computer now and to email some more chapters of book one to Mr M who has just begun to read it.
Oh, and to continue trying to find a good title for the series.

My point of view

I reported a post on Facebook today. Not something I have ever had a need to do before and just clicking on two buttons left me shaking.
Now I feel a need to explain why I did it. I know I don't have to, I know that the process is anonymous but the person whose post I reported should know better and their blatant ignorance and laziness has left me angry and frustrated.
You see the post was a group of pictures of various former presidents of the USA. They are all pictured with the flag of the USA and the word flag on each picture = except one. this is a picture of president Obama standing in front of a gold-coloured curtain and printed on that picture are the words Muslim Prayer Curtain.
Now anyone who has the slightest grasp of hate speech will see how inflammatory this would be and I would have thought that a person with any common sense would not share this. I am wrong, so wrong because the person who shared it didn't check to see if such a thing exists - I mean a prayer curtain? what and where would one of those be used? they also didn't check to see if the post they were sharing bore any semblance of truth and the worst thing? oh by far the worst thing for me is that the person who shared it is a teacher.
This person is in a classroom every day, moulding the minds of the next generation and yet they couldn't be bothered to look at what this post was and to take two inutes to research it before passing it on.
I'm not really sure why it has had such an effect on me, I just know that I sat and stared at it for about fifteen long angry minutes trying to decide what to do, knowing that I couldn't just ignore it.
I reported it and within five minutes the posts were gone! Not just a notice saying that the content was not available but completely gone.
Now I am writing this to explain because I feel guilty for having to do it. Isn't human nature a strange animal? I'll survive and will continue to view all such posts with contempt and now I won't be so afraid to report them.

What do you do?

This picture is my first year in school. I could already read. My Dad used to read a chapter of a book to me every night at bedtime. I was sure he was missing bits out so I would look at the pages and I taught myself to read by remembering what he had said and then matching words. What? oh yes, he was missing bits out. So, there I am in school and having my first school photograph age five.
Then the most wonderful thing happened.
They taught me to write.
They did! Miss Grey taught me to write and from that day onwards I have written. I remember when I was seven and we were asked to write a story and the teacher, who was instantly forgettable, turned to me and said
'You can't write more than two sides of paper'
Of course I can, I thought, I can easily write two sides, probably four sides.
What she meant was that I was restricted to only writing two sides because she couldn't be arsed to read more than that.
What's this got to do with now?
Well, from my last post you know that I now have breathing issues and the condition is progressive. So I was feeling very sorry for myself and doing the Not-long-for-this-world-thing and decided that we would either have to move or we would eventually have to move our bedroom downstairs. Thank goodness we haven't fallen for this open plan living fad eh?

I went into the study and looked at the shelves full of cr*p and began to empty folders that have stood on the shelves for twenty years untouched and I found the first draft of The Book.

I wrote it during the two weeks I was at my daughter's house in Rochdale, dog sitting back in 199? All I had to do was take the dog for a walk every day and then nothing. So I walked about five miles or more in the morning then went to the market and got food and then came back and sat at the computer and wrote.

So here I am in 2019. I have retyped that first draft and improved it to a second draft. I then started the next book and had written ten chapters and realised that I really needed to write the book that came before all I had written = anyhoooo. That was the end of February and here I am in May and I now have three books written and all into second draft.

Sounds good eh? all formatted ready to submit as soon as the editing is done and last night I had a dream. The upshot of which is that this morning I wrote the first 600 words of book four. I know, I know I should at least try to finish one of the darned things before going onto the next but I have to write it down when I dream it.

So that's how things stand at the moment. Pulmonary rehabilitation means I will be learning exercises to keep me fit (excuse me while I laugh hollowly) and for the rest of the time I can sit with my legs elevated (freaking oedema) and write to my hearts content. If I can find a publisher I'll be laughing into my oxygen won't I?

Health update

Feeling decidedly down at the moment. The experts have diagnosed Idiopathic Pulmonary Fibrosis. So let's look at this. Idiopathic means haven't-got-a-clue. Pulmonary is pertaining to the lungs. Fibrosis is hardening or scarring. So, something has damaged my lungs, but "they" don't know what or how or why.
I have to carry an oxygen thingy with tubes that go up my nose - but only for exercise. AS exercise includes walking to the bathroom, having a shower and even getting dressed you can see why my world is monochrome. I hate it. but I must have it.
Takes the bloody shine of everything, I can tell you!
It's dark and miserable in the belly of the wolf so I won't stay long in here. I will get used to it, but not yet, ok? I haven't finished wallowing in self-pity, but I'll get there

Just thinking

He has his, 'oh gawd, she's taking my picture again' face. This man restored my trust and gave me wings. He gave my children the confidence to go out into the world and above all the be themselves.

A Zero Birthday

Today Mr M is 60. we met when he was 21 so we have known each other for two thirds of his life. He still makes me laugh and if he appears in my line of vision I still get that funny fizzy feeling in my tummy.

Isn't this just too sweet! The expression on his face is just the same now when he concentrates on the TV

Health update

It seems that I have idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis. I don't intend letting it get me down and if you need to know more then google it because that's all I am going to say about it.
In the mean time I have quilts to make and knitting to do and books to read.

Time and health

We did a lot during the summer even though Mr M was struggling with his legs and I had developed a funny breathlessness. We popped up to North Wales to take presents and stuff and we did it on Eldest Son's birthday so we shared the birthday tea and joined in the candle ceremony

 I had a burst of creativity and made this quilt for a very special friend who now lives in France. It spent a while in a bag before we could parcel it up and send it to her. She expressed a certain amount of joy when she opened it and now calls it her Precioussssssssss

 Cousins came to visit! I love it when that happens. Roxanne and her lovely husband Al came to stay. Someone asked if I was worried in case we didn't like each other as we had never met in person. I did have a momentary qualm but then I realised that in our messages and emails we had both laughed at the same things and I just knew we would be fine. Were we? Well as long as we were awake we were talking. We talked about the family tree we took them out and did Roman on the one day and medieval on the next day and all the time we talked. Al and Mr M just nodded and added the occasional word when we drew breath. All too soon it was time to take them to the station and wave goodbye. It was wonderful!

 The next day Cousin Sandy and her husband Bob arrived from Arizona to take us out to lunch. Well not just for that but it was part of their plan to have time to actually talk and not get swallowed up by a huge family group. I Started the visit off by falling over on the patio and scaring everyone. grazed elbow bruised knee and shattered dignity. Sandy and I have known each other since we were small. She is the cousin that could come out to play in the stream with me and she would go back into the house without a speck of dirt on her and I would be head to toe in mud. Gosh I envied her that ability. It was so good to sit and chat. I have just realised that it looks like I am wearing the same shirt - I have two the same.

 Then David and Terri came to see us! all the way from Australia. David is descended from my great grandmother's younger brother. There is a likeness between us. Again the conversation flowed and we had a great time. When DD and her husband went to Australia to visit her uncle (my ex husbands brother) she took the opportunity to meet up with our newly discovered relatives and she had met David and Terri then. It was lovely for her to meet them again and it was so good to sit and listen to that fabulous accent. They said I had a Welsh accent but I can't hear it myself.

 Then it was off to Tenby to celebrate the special zero birthday of my youngest son. We did the same for him as for the others and had spent three years finding daft stuff to wrap and put in a box. My idea was that the presents would soon be forgotten but the time spent with us as they opened them and the laughter that ensued would be remembered forever. It was absolutely chucking down with rain so we sat in the car while he worked his way through the box.

 Then we went out for a meal with him and his lovely lady Helen. Mr M was wearing his only shirt. He does have a drawer full of shirts but it seems that there are only two that get photographed. He put on his good grief another picture face. It was a very nice restaurant and H and I agreed that it fell into the Well-we-never-have-to-go-there-again catagory because it was overpriced.

 The end of the month of September saw us celebrating two more birthdays, mine and DD's. We went out for a meal and this was the closest to a team photograph that they would allow. Miss Boo sat between her two favourite men and we had a chance to just sit and talk without domestic stuff getting in the way - and Mr M made sure he was wearing the other shirt!

The month of cousins was great. I loved that I got to see all my children on their birthdays and, of course, the hugs from grandchildren are something that can never be bettered.